It's been awhile since i've written on here. it's not that i've forgotten about this blog. i've actually intentionally neglected it. i find that it's easier to recount life experiences here once i've let a few of them happen and i've had time to ponder them. Since the last time i blogged, there have been quite a few interesting life experiences. Between the hustle bustle of ballet lessons, working 5000 hrs a week, trying to sell the house (for the 2nd time), burying Schazi, going back to school and all that other usual ''life'' stuff, one of the more important things to mention is that through it all, a little something called "doubt" was slowly creeping into my heart. it was so quiet that i didn't even realize it until it was already there. However, once it'd kicked it's feet up and made itself at home, i found myself in a season that'd i'd never been in before...a spiritual drought, marked by discouragement.. And as i drifted along and pondered those doubts and in the wake of Susan Kocazik's tragic death, i began to feel further and further away from Him.

He let me ponder her death and explore my own mortality for about a month, when one morning Caroline and i were in the car together.. we were praying aloud as we always do during our morning trips-- "Lord, help Caroline to have a good day today, help her to be kind and loving to her classmates and set her apart, make her an example...." nothing too out of the ordinary, except that when i started praying aloud for Sophie, the words CHOKING CHOKING CHOKING began to invade my mind. It was all I could hear in my ears, it was all I could see in my mind's eye and it was all I could feel in my spirit. I made no indication of this to Caroline, except to pray aloud that God would protect Sophie from any choking hazards that may be in my home and I asked Him to give Ana a special awareness of anything that Sophie put in her mouth that day that she shouldn't. I went about my day and didn't think much else of it until I got home that night. Ana was visibly shaken about something. Sophie had choked on something earlier in the day, she said. It was hard to get all the details bc Ana's english is not very good but i was able to put it together that sophie had choked on a tiny piece of a ziploc baggie she'd found on the floor and ana had to retrieve it out of her throat. As soon as Ana left that night, I went out onto the back deck and burst into tears, relieved, overjoyed and overcome with gratefulness. He'd seized this opportunity to show me that despite my doubt, He was holding my daughters in the palm of His hands.

A couple of weeks later, on a dreary Saturday morning in February, an elderly gentleman jerked the wheel of his car into my lane of traffic. I hit him full-force, doing approx 60 mph and then proceeded to fishtail down the right lane of 240, hitting the guard rail with every rotation. Both girls were in the backseat and Schazi was in the rear back. I'm guessing there were 4or 5 points of impact but i'm not really sure. I do know I will never forget that it felt as though we were free-falling down the interstate. When we finally came to a stop, I heard the girls screaming and i knew they were OK. I dialed 911 and then I dialed my mother and I'll never forget her words when she cried out to Him "Thank you Jesus, that my family is OK!" We sat there, in the right lane of 240 for about 10mins until help arrived. In the days that followed, I realized just how miraculous it was that we did not hit any other vehicles as we were careening down the right lane of 240 and that we did not get creamed by any other vehicles as we sat there in our disabled vehicle the right lane of traffic while awaiting help. Even though the vehicle was totaled, none of us had a scratch.. not even the dog, who as it turns out, wasn't even wearing her seatbelt, that rascal!

The accident was so fresh in my mind that I was still hearing the sound of the crash in my ears when Sophie got really sick. She started having fever and breathing issues that went from bad to worse in about 48 hrs. We took a ride in an ambulance to the ER, where the attending pediatrician informed me that based on the reports the paramedics had given him, he was prepared for the worst. However, when he came in to examine her, she'd already started making a rather surprising recovery. She'd gone from blue to red and her breathing had improved for some reason. We were prepared to be admitted, but she'd stabilized so later that night we went home. A day later, we went back due to dehydration issues and they admitted her at LeBonheur, where she got some much needed support..ie. breathing treatments and fluids and made a full recovery. Pneumonia, left lung--a rather common illness. We stayed a few days and when they released her she was back to her sassy self! However, I was now not only pondering my own mortality, I was now trying to wrap my head around the mortality of my children, which was much more difficult to grapple with. Once again, I was also overwhelmed with feelings of gratitude that she'd gotten better instead of worse. I can remember that during this time, a common prayer of mine was "thank you Lord, that my child will get to go home from the hospital and o lord, bless and help those parents at St. Jude's right now O lord, who don't know whether or not their child will ever get to go home.."

However, despite Him taking us through yet another trial, I still felt distant and disconnected from Him.

I didn't realize it at the time, but God had a plan for the spiritual drought i was experiencing and these recent trials were going to play a big part in fufilling it. When I came across this Bible verse a few weeks ago, i began to understand. Deut 4.9

9 Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them fade from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them.

You see, through this mixture of doubt and trials, He was giving my eyes things to see and my heart things that would not fade away.

He was showing me that in my ocean of doubt, i could cling to my experiences with Him, as though they were a life preserver He'd thrown to me, in order to strengthen my faith. And equally as important, He'd given me these trials in the midst of doubt so that they would become a legacy--His legacy...so that i could one day share them with my girls...so that i could one day tell them '"..and He was with us every step of the way!"

What a gift these trials have been and how i have relished in counting them as joy! (james 1.2)

Another scripture that has spoken to me recently from Isaiah 58;

11 The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your soul in drought and will strengthen your bones.

You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.

As I type this, I am still experiencing my desert season. Doubt, discouragement, distraction and disconnection are all feelings that i struggle with daily. I am confident that He has a plan for this season though and as He has shown me, I am going to cling to Him..I am going to remember what He's brought us through and I am going to teach that to my daughters, for He has satisfied my soul in this time of drought in a way that i will always remember!

One last thought and i'll close--

is it a coincidence that someone in church asked me just today to give my testimony to women's group? Once again, God nudges me to remember Him..this time to group of strangers. Will I be able to overcome my fear of this or will i let Him down? Stay tuned....

In Christ,

The Nickels