Our firstborn...you are every promise fulfilled that a parent could hope for. What new adventures will "4" have in store for you? What new interests will captivate you? In what new ways will you fall in love with the Lord? Whatever this year holds, we will be eagerly watching because you & your sister will forever be our greatest earthly joys and your dad & I will forever be your greatest earthly 

cheerleaders! Sweet daughter, if I had a nickel for every time I've asked Him to give you boldness, to make you bolder than I've ever been--your college would be paid for by now! Every day I see the small ways that He is answering this prayer...and every day He shows me the small ways in which you are already bolder than me! And please know, that is my ultimate prayer for you...that as you grow, He will make you a fearless child of Christ who tells her preschool friends about Jesus & His love for them...who one day becomes a brave teenager of Christ--a teenager that is unafraid to say "NO" when the rest of the world is saying "YES" and then finally...I pray that He will prosper you into a bold woman of Christ, who lives for Him 1st, above all else! Daughter, if he honors that prayer of mine, I KNOW your life will be a victorious one! Happy Birthday Caroline! What fun "4" is going to be! Love Forever, Mom & Dad

It's been awhile since i've written on here. it's not that i've forgotten about this blog. i've actually intentionally neglected it. i find that it's easier to recount life experiences here once i've let a few of them happen and i've had time to ponder them. Since the last time i blogged, there have been quite a few interesting life experiences. Between the hustle bustle of ballet lessons, working 5000 hrs a week, trying to sell the house (for the 2nd time), burying Schazi, going back to school and all that other usual ''life'' stuff, one of the more important things to mention is that through it all, a little something called "doubt" was slowly creeping into my heart. it was so quiet that i didn't even realize it until it was already there. However, once it'd kicked it's feet up and made itself at home, i found myself in a season that'd i'd never been in before...a spiritual drought, marked by discouragement.. And as i drifted along and pondered those doubts and in the wake of Susan Kocazik's tragic death, i began to feel further and further away from Him.

He let me ponder her death and explore my own mortality for about a month, when one morning Caroline and i were in the car together.. we were praying aloud as we always do during our morning trips-- "Lord, help Caroline to have a good day today, help her to be kind and loving to her classmates and set her apart, make her an example...." nothing too out of the ordinary, except that when i started praying aloud for Sophie, the words CHOKING CHOKING CHOKING began to invade my mind. It was all I could hear in my ears, it was all I could see in my mind's eye and it was all I could feel in my spirit. I made no indication of this to Caroline, except to pray aloud that God would protect Sophie from any choking hazards that may be in my home and I asked Him to give Ana a special awareness of anything that Sophie put in her mouth that day that she shouldn't. I went about my day and didn't think much else of it until I got home that night. Ana was visibly shaken about something. Sophie had choked on something earlier in the day, she said. It was hard to get all the details bc Ana's english is not very good but i was able to put it together that sophie had choked on a tiny piece of a ziploc baggie she'd found on the floor and ana had to retrieve it out of her throat. As soon as Ana left that night, I went out onto the back deck and burst into tears, relieved, overjoyed and overcome with gratefulness. He'd seized this opportunity to show me that despite my doubt, He was holding my daughters in the palm of His hands.

A couple of weeks later, on a dreary Saturday morning in February, an elderly gentleman jerked the wheel of his car into my lane of traffic. I hit him full-force, doing approx 60 mph and then proceeded to fishtail down the right lane of 240, hitting the guard rail with every rotation. Both girls were in the backseat and Schazi was in the rear back. I'm guessing there were 4or 5 points of impact but i'm not really sure. I do know I will never forget that it felt as though we were free-falling down the interstate. When we finally came to a stop, I heard the girls screaming and i knew they were OK. I dialed 911 and then I dialed my mother and I'll never forget her words when she cried out to Him "Thank you Jesus, that my family is OK!" We sat there, in the right lane of 240 for about 10mins until help arrived. In the days that followed, I realized just how miraculous it was that we did not hit any other vehicles as we were careening down the right lane of 240 and that we did not get creamed by any other vehicles as we sat there in our disabled vehicle the right lane of traffic while awaiting help. Even though the vehicle was totaled, none of us had a scratch.. not even the dog, who as it turns out, wasn't even wearing her seatbelt, that rascal!

The accident was so fresh in my mind that I was still hearing the sound of the crash in my ears when Sophie got really sick. She started having fever and breathing issues that went from bad to worse in about 48 hrs. We took a ride in an ambulance to the ER, where the attending pediatrician informed me that based on the reports the paramedics had given him, he was prepared for the worst. However, when he came in to examine her, she'd already started making a rather surprising recovery. She'd gone from blue to red and her breathing had improved for some reason. We were prepared to be admitted, but she'd stabilized so later that night we went home. A day later, we went back due to dehydration issues and they admitted her at LeBonheur, where she got some much needed support..ie. breathing treatments and fluids and made a full recovery. Pneumonia, left lung--a rather common illness. We stayed a few days and when they released her she was back to her sassy self! However, I was now not only pondering my own mortality, I was now trying to wrap my head around the mortality of my children, which was much more difficult to grapple with. Once again, I was also overwhelmed with feelings of gratitude that she'd gotten better instead of worse. I can remember that during this time, a common prayer of mine was "thank you Lord, that my child will get to go home from the hospital and o lord, bless and help those parents at St. Jude's right now O lord, who don't know whether or not their child will ever get to go home.."

However, despite Him taking us through yet another trial, I still felt distant and disconnected from Him.

I didn't realize it at the time, but God had a plan for the spiritual drought i was experiencing and these recent trials were going to play a big part in fufilling it. When I came across this Bible verse a few weeks ago, i began to understand. Deut 4.9

9 Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them fade from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them.

You see, through this mixture of doubt and trials, He was giving my eyes things to see and my heart things that would not fade away.

He was showing me that in my ocean of doubt, i could cling to my experiences with Him, as though they were a life preserver He'd thrown to me, in order to strengthen my faith. And equally as important, He'd given me these trials in the midst of doubt so that they would become a legacy--His legacy...so that i could one day share them with my girls...so that i could one day tell them '"..and He was with us every step of the way!"

What a gift these trials have been and how i have relished in counting them as joy! (james 1.2)

Another scripture that has spoken to me recently from Isaiah 58;

11 The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your soul in drought and will strengthen your bones.

You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.

As I type this, I am still experiencing my desert season. Doubt, discouragement, distraction and disconnection are all feelings that i struggle with daily. I am confident that He has a plan for this season though and as He has shown me, I am going to cling to Him..I am going to remember what He's brought us through and I am going to teach that to my daughters, for He has satisfied my soul in this time of drought in a way that i will always remember!

One last thought and i'll close--

is it a coincidence that someone in church asked me just today to give my testimony to women's group? Once again, God nudges me to remember Him..this time to group of strangers. Will I be able to overcome my fear of this or will i let Him down? Stay tuned....

In Christ,

The Nickels

my 365 blog

the idea is grow as a photographer while documenting our every day lives together.

this new blog has been getting all my love lately but i promise i'll try to update my old blog more often..it's been with me through thick and thin..it doesn't deserve this kind of neglect! :-D

check back often, as i post one pic per day, hence the "365"...

http://365-little-things.tumblr.com/

love,

the nickels

"I don't like you!"

"I don't like you!" Caroline recently said to me when i'd corrected her over something minor. i froze in my tracks and gave her a stony glare, which is more of a reaction than she usually gets when she's overstepped her boundaries. it took me a few seconds before i'd formulated my thoughts into an explanation for her as to why we never, ever say that to anyone--kids or adults-- no matter what they've done to us..because it could make them sad and make them cry and we'd never want to do that to someone, would we? i also told her that the next time i heard her say it to someone, she'd get her mouth washed out with soap, a ritual that has so far been reserved for times when she's said an ugly word--something she's of course, learned from us during rush hour traffic...;-p

anyway, i'm not sure why i was so sensitive to that statement coming from her...maybe it's the constant bullying stories we hear in the media or maybe it's some throwback to my childhood or maybe it's both. or maybe more importantly, it's because i want her to ultimately be a child set apart amongst her peers..someone who edifies and encourages..someone who says 'no' when everyone else around her is saying 'yes'..someone who has compassion.

this recent experience has caused me to ponder compassion over the last few days and weeks. compassion, in and of itself, is not something that has always come easily or naturally to me. Prior to becoming a Christian, i didn't know what it felt like to bleed for someone else. i could read news stories about children that suffered with the same reaction i'd had to the prior news story i'd just read about the plunging Dow...in both cases, i'd think 'hmm..that sucks' but by that time, i'd already clicked on the next link. Sick and injured people were generally met with impatience from me rather than empathy. When i came to Christ in 04, i believe He infused me a healthy dose of the first pangs of compassion i'd ever felt and since that time, that compassion has been expanded upon by my daughters. These days, not only do i avoid clicking the links about suffering children, i avoid going to those news sites altogether because i know those stories will be there. why, you ask? because i can't even bear to read the headlines without feeling my heart break and bleed for those innocent ones. and of course, at some point in time, the thought enters my head..'what if that were my little one?"..which is too profound and too difficult to even think about. soon after that thought has crossed my mind, i'm instantly led to pray for the parents of the little ones that have suffered. how will they ever get over it?

So as i've grown in compassion over the last couple of years, this recent conversation with Caroline has reignited in me the importance of it. I wondered to myself "how can i teach her compassion?" which led to me wondering "can compassion even be learned?" and then i snapped out of it! Of course it can be learned! I've been learning all about compassion from God since He infused me with that first dose of it in 2004. and I've been learning all about compassion from another great teacher--Caroline since 2008. Watching her grow has led me to pray for all the parents of who have lost their little ones and can no longer watch them grow. Watching her play reminds me to pray for all of those little ones that can't run or climb because they have debilitating injuires and sicknesses. my newest teacher, Sophie- has been schooling me on it since last May. Her most recent lesson to me was the case of RSV she came down with over the holidays...as she recovered, it made me think of all the babies who get sick and don't recover. it brought me to knees in praise for Him and His abundance of blessings in our lives. How could i ever have doubted for one second that compassion can't be learned?

one last piece of information and i'll leave you to the pics...

I'll never forget the day i asked the Lord to break my heart. It was around 3yrs ago and i whispered under my breath in a church service "break my heart O Lord, for what breaks yours." I didn't realize it at the time, but in that moment a slow burn started and over the next few weeks, i began to feel a burden that to this day i've never gotten over. He broke my heart for 3 things that Sunday morning; the unborn victims of abortion, suffering children, and Israel. i know many things in this dark world break our Lord's heart but since that day, i've always wondered if those are the things that break His heart the most, since that was how He chose to answer my prayer. Either way, i praise Him for breaking my heart that day! What an awesome gift! He also showed me through that answered prayer that compassion, much like faith is a gift from Him.

So, as my girls grow that wonderful gift of compassion in me, i pray that He will assist me in teaching them compassion back. O Lord, give me discernment and wisdom for this important task! Make my girls compassionate from an early age, unlike i was! Set them apart O Lord and help them to show and teach their peers compassion!

I'll leave you with a recent picture...more pics can be found on the new picture blog..

happy new year!

love,

the nickels

Dear God...

Prayer time is a rather consistent thing at the Nickel house. We pray over the kids for 2 reasons--1) we know no other way of teaching them the importance of it and 2) i feel that the kids are less vulnerable in the world if they go out into it every day 'wrapped' in the prayers of their parents. Our bedtime prayers are the most routine...Sophie is obviously too little right now for this routine but when we put Caroline to bed, Jason will start off with the Lords Prayer over her (which she usually recites along with him) and a couple of other Lutheran prayers. After he's finished, she calls out "Mommy, your turn" and i go in and say my prayers with her. I generally keep them personal and simple and praise-focused but I ALWAYS ask Him for her divine protection. i think this is because i would feel as if there was unfinished business with Him if I didn't turn her over to Him at the end of day..

Anyway, Caroline and I recently started praying together on the way to her preschool some mornings. This is also time that we spend listening to her Sunday school hymns so it's great praise and worship time for us. Very recently one morning, as were singing along to one of the songs, i heard God's quiet voice say to me "Pray with her." I glanced up at her in the rear view mirror and saw how much fun she was having singing her song and i said 'in just a minute, Lord."

"no, now" said the Lord's quiet voice. I turned down the music and asked her if she wanted to pray and even though i thought she would protest having her music turned off, she enthusiastically agreed. Perhaps this is one of the things He was showing me..that even though I am not always ready to pray, she is. I began the way i always do when i pray with her, by saying "Dear God" and launched into a rather lengthy prayer that as usual, was praise-focused. I thanked Him for many things that day but about midway through, I thanked Him for 'this beautiful day, that's not too hot and not too cold, so Caroline can enjoy her time outside at the playground" and then i kept on praising Him for other things before i finished..it was a longer prayer than usual but the whole time i'd been watching her in my rearview and she appeared to be listening. As was our custom, Caroline took her turn next. She closed her eyes and said "Dear God..." she hesitated a bit but then after a few quiet mumbles she said "thank you God for this day, that's not too hot and not too cold so i can go outside and enjoy my time at the playground, amen." As soon as the words came out of her mouth, i understood what He was showing me through her prayer! He was showing me that when i pray, she listens to every word i'm saying.

Because you see, in my mind, that was such a small part of a very lengthy prayer..and that small part didn't come at the beginning of the prayer and it didn't come at the end of the prayer, it was smack-dab in the middle..so she was listening the whole time. And if she listens that carefully to what i say when i'm praying, there's no doubt that she's listening carefully to everything i say when i'm not praying. Wow! What an awesome (and scary) responsibility! Lord God, make the words of my mouth pleasing in your sight so that i will raise my daughters to say and do things that are pleasing in your sight!

One other thing he showed me during this prayer time with her and i will leave you to the pics i'm going to post. He showed that me that while she is watching me to learn how to pray and develop faith, i need to be watching her back to learn how to pray and develop faith. Because you see, as far as Jesus is concerned, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it. (Mark 10:13-15) and that morning, as i watched her in my rearview mirror receive the kingdom of God, it was the first time it had ever dawned on me that this simple, pure childlike faith that she had was exactly the kind of faith that He wants me to have. Help me, Lord God, learn from my beautiful daughters how to have the same childlike faith that they do, while instilling in them how important it is to love you and stay committed to you always!

What a powerful lesson this was for me on this ordinary morning. And to think, if it weren't for that quiet voice and those 3 simple words "Pray with her", i may never have had the joy of realizing it...

I'll leave you with some pics--

Love,

the nickels

Caroline's 3rd birthday

What an underachiever i was this year for Caroline's birthday. I just did not have the time to plan anything, plus i've been sick for about 3wks now so i didn't have the energy either. I paid for this lack of planning with a healthy and deserved dose of motherly guilt. When i told Lorrie Fisk about what an underachievement it was, she was quick to correct me by saying "not to her it wasn't.." Don't know why this didn't occur to me before.

The cake came from Kroger. The only kids in attendance were Andrew and Elias. We threw some dogs on the grill and Ana brought over a pinata and what fun we had at this underachieving party! The day was full of joy and laughter and fellowship. The kids were tired and dirty when it was all over, which was the mark of success as far as i was concerned.

The more delightful our big 3yo becomes, the more opinions she develops. Getting dressed every day has become a battle of wills. This has been a rather hard transition for her control-freak mother to make, as i feel that children should be 'dressed' every day. She has a closet full of beautiful clothes yet she insists on mismatching the most rag-tag items she can find! She is fond of layering..she likes to see how many shirts she can successfully put on and usually this numbers 3. She prefers dresses/skirts and her criteria is strict for them. This morning, as i was trying to sell her on a Janie & Jack skirt outfit that i wanted her to wear she told me "NO mommy..it doesn't twull (twirl) right!" I reluctantly put it in the "Sophie pile'' in hopes that Sophie will one day be willing to wear because if it doesn't twull right, Caroline never will again! i know you have to pick your battles but this is one battle i am really struggling not to pick! I will confess though, i cannot wait to see what 'battles' Year 3 will bring us..something tells me they are going to be really fun....;-)

Love,

The Nickels

Hot Springs, Arkansas/Labor Day weekend

So driving over there (3 hrs) with 2 kids under the age of 3 was not very smart. Jason wanted to stay home so he could go to the Grove and I wanted to go to Hot Springs with Lorrie and JL and the boys so I thought "eh! it'll be fine! i'll drive while they sleep!" The drive there was fine, but only because Caroline had Dylan to occupy her and Sophie Bea had Austin sitting next to her. It was the drive back that was "character-building", as i like to say! We left Hot Springs on Saturday night but that was not such a great idea. My logic was they would be so exhausted they would not be able to do anything but sleep. The reality was, they were so exhausted they were not able to do anything but wail/whine/scream/cry. An hour into this journey from hell, i cried "UNCLE!!" and got a hotel room in Little Rock. Sophie Bea dried it up as soon as I took her out of her carseat. Caroline fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. The next morning, we got up and going around 8. I pleaded with Jesus to get us home safely and oh, could He provide me with a little peace along the way? 45 mins outside of Memphis, Sophie began screaming and Caroline began whining. 10 minutes away from the house, between whines Caroline began threatening to pee her pants. I couldn't stop, as we were in a rather um.."interesting" part of town. 5 minutes away from the house, she made good on her threat. When i finally pulled into the driveway--on 2 wheels no doubt--i took the kids out of the car with record speed. Caroline ran in the house and flung herself at her dad's feet rather theatrically while she wailed and cried and whined. Sophie was still screaming in her carseat. My bedhair was all sticking out to one side. My eyes bugged out of my bed. My mouth was agape and drool oozed out one side of it. My fly unzipped. Nickel took one look at me and the kids and chuckled and said "Fail." I thought that one word summed up this "independent journey" of mine rather nicely.

As far the non-travelling part of the trip went, well as you can tell from the photos, we had a blast...

Love,

The Nickels